America: Don’t Fix it if it Ain’t Broke


Freedom isn’t free — it costs $14.99 per shirt if you buy in bulk.

In this tumultuous election cycle, one thing has become clear: America is a mess!  America has let herself go.  Too much complacency about her hegemony in the world has caused her to shed her values and become bloated with bureaucracy.  Well, it’s time to tell America, enough is enough!  If you don’t put down the bag of cheese curls and get your butt on a treadmill, we are going to trade you in for an older model–old enough to have been around when America was great, like in 1776 when Jesus wrote the Constitution.

We are at a crossroads where America is at this nadir in history.  However, history is a problematic lens from which to view current events, because history changes all the time.  We also can’t live in the present, because the present does not exist.  By the time you are cognizant of this second, it is already in the past.  We can only live in the future, because that is when the illuminati will reveal themselves and my next door neighbor will get left behind in the rapture.

The great philosopher Toby Keith once said, “Justice will be served, and the battle will rage.  This big dog [America] will fight when you rattle its cage, and you’ll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A., because we’ll put a boot in your ass.”  There are some people who are understandably frightened that America is under threat from her enemies.  Any enemy of freedom is an enemy of America, and lots of people hate freedom because they are lazy and would rather have other people make decisions for them.  However, even in these trying times, we cannot succumb to reflexive reactions of hatred and bigotry.  After all, it can’t possibly be all the Muslims’ fault; we must remember that we are just inundated with a biased narrative because the Jews control the media.

And, as an American who lives in China, I can tell you:  China.

Slippery slopes are a big problem in America.  It starts with a little executive order here, a minor federal registry there, and then suddenly you’re speeding down a double black diamond at Tahoe like a member of the bourgeoisie.  Real, hard-working, salt-of-the-earth folks need to be vigilant about the slopes we slip down.  Newton’s first law of motion says an object in motion will stay in motion until an external force acts on it.  All of this is to say: if climate change is real, then why are the slopes so slippery?

Some would try to tell you that the American Dream is dead, but the American Dream has just begun, featuring a velociraptor at the foot of your driveway eating the face of your mailman, who suddenly morphs into your dad.  You try to scream, but nothing will come out.  You reach for your military-grade assault weapon, but it has disappeared into thin air because Obama took your guns.

Did you know that there is absolutely nothing backing the U.S. dollar except the good faith and credit of the United States government?  No, seriously, did you know?  At least several people don’t realize that the US abandoned the gold standard in 1971.

Regardless of the facts, one thing’s for sure: America is in the crapper.  America is in the crapper, and she has been in there way too long.  And somebody needs to go in and check on her.  But seriously, guys, she’s been in there for a long time and I’m getting worried.


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